


Impermanence

by hamm1babe



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: F/M, Relationship(s), Stevonnie - Freeform, Teen Angst, Teen Romance, permafusion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-10
Updated: 2015-12-10
Packaged: 2018-05-05 23:08:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5393693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hamm1babe/pseuds/hamm1babe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Steven and Connie are 15-years-old, they choose to stop unfusing. "What is the point," they ask, "when we are always practicing together and practically dating anyways?" Superficially this is a story about the pros and cons of such a commitment. Subtly, it seeks to express the complicated emotions involved when choosing individualism over cohabitation, and the rewards of finding peace in boundaries. Written to reflect my own feelings towards the recent demise of a long-term relationship in my life. Enjoy :-)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Impermanence

**Author's Note:**

> For Maria,  
> You were my first love.  
> As of now you are my only love.  
> And how happy I am that we parted ways.

When Steven and Connie were fifteen years old, they stopped unfusing. “What is the point?” Stevonnie asked themself, “when we are practically dating, and always fusing for practice?”

It was true; the Gem War was threatening to knock on their door at any moment. Stevonnie felt wistful nostalgia for how free it had been the last time an inevitable doom had hung over their head- the Cluster. Back then Steven had been able to goof off with Amethyst and Peridot - who quickly bonded - and Connie had trained basic swordsmanship with Pearl, occasionally staying over for a physics lesson. The days had been long, and the Cluster… a faceless enemy for the time. 

These days were a little more stressful. 

“Wh- Connie! Why are you still fused?” Mom Maheswaran demanded that evening when she arrived to pick Connie up. Stevonnie hadn’t called to tell her that Connie was staying the night, because it was time to put their foot down. Connie wasn’t going to be coming home any more. 

“Mom Maheswaran, I’m sorry that the idea of fusion makes you so uncomfortable, but I’m staying this way for the time being. Steven and Connie need me right now, and the Crystal Gems need me, and the planet needs me!” Stevonnie finished their impassioned declaration with a classic Steven-y shine, but Mom Maheswaran didn’t seem even capable of wrapping her head around the concept. 

“You- you’re using ‘I’ pronouns! Why have you stopped referring to yourselves as ‘we’?” She asked, shaking her head. “No, I simply forbid this. Connie. Unfuse this instant. I don’t even know where this is coming from!” 

Stevonnie shook their head. “You don’t get it, Mom Maheswaran. I’m not Connie. I’m not Steven, either. You can’t force me to unfuse, I’m an individual.” 

And it was true. The strength of their passion kept them together for an entire year. 

Pearl had been equally hard to convince. 

“This is simply inappropriate.” She said matter-of-factly, three months into the fusion, as if noticing them for the first time. “You’re too young to understand what permafusion- ahem-“ she blushed, catching herself using Peridot’s jargon, “what… remaining fused… really means.”

Stevonnie found themself defensive, something that was common these days with them. “Pearl, this is happening,” they repeated over and over, using a dab of persuasive charm with a hefty dose of logic, but Pearl was impervious. 

Later, they were on the beach. It was here Stevonnie recalled first fusing, and how Steven had been amazed because he thought himself incapable of fusing, and how Connie had been amazed because she thought herself incapable of finding a destiny. The Crystal Gems had been stunned at the sight of Stevonnie. They were something unlike anything that had been created before. 

Stevonnie clenched their fist and looked out at the meagerly sunlit ocean. Stars were beginning to appear, and somewhere out there… they were coming. “Pearl, I’m not anything you can begin to understand, because I’m the first of my kind. I’m the first human-gem fusion, and, to be frank-“ they blushed then, clenching their toes into the sand for courage. “I- I am the first male-female fusion. Staying together… it balances me out.” 

Pearl and Stevonnie sat together and cleaned off seashells in the warm water, lit up by the lights from Beach City behind them. The careful, patient task was the sort Pearl once delighted in with Steven, when he was young. The maternal gem was unusually quiet. She had been up constantly researching new gem technology with Peridot, and seemed in need of a good slumber party. 

“When I’m Steven and Connie… I feel really hormonal a lot. I get… distracted by chemical reactions that naturally occur in humans around their ages.” They bit the inside of their cheek, trying not to think about all that puberty entailed. 

Steven felt constant anxiety and frustration, worrying about those he loved to the point of irrationality, and often having self-destructive results. The gems responded by giving him space for the most part, which he desperately hated and continued to grumble about. He would isolate himself with his hostility and wallow in loneliness, feeling completely alone in the universe. 

Connie felt intense romantic urges, wondered constantly if she was mature enough to handle approaching the topic of sex with Steven, or even if it was normal for girls her age to think about sex as much as she did. She felt complete dejection at Steven’s lack of physical pursuits (outside of sparring and dancing, and the occasional kiss that usually merely resulted in laughing and merging back into Stevonnie). And, because she was the only human involved in such dangerous and alien Gem matters, she felt completely alone in the universe. 

“When I’m Stevonnie,” they went on, wiping their eye. “I feel balanced, like I don’t have to think about those problems, and I don’t have to choose between feeling like Steven and feeling like Connie.” 

Pearl remained as skeptical as Mom Maheswaran, but that night Stevonnie strengthened their own resolve. 

It took another four months for Peridot to complain, which Stevonnie found surprising. She had really come around to the idea of fusion and the benefits it offered to otherwise weak gems. It wasn’t unusual to see her and Amethyst fusing and running off into battle, or even to perform some of their usual antics around the city. 

“The Perma-Fusion You Have Begun To Germinate,” she observed, causing Stevonnie to giggle profusely. “It Is Not Suitable For A Stable Existence.” 

“Oh, not you too,” Stevonnie groaned. It had been seven months since they had stopped unfusing, and any mention of it came as a surprise at this point. Why was Peridot bringing it up now?

Peridot frowned deeply. “Since Fusing the Steven And the Connie Have Become… Inept! Case In Point: I Have Recorded Five Periods Within The Past Week Wherein You Have Slept Uselessly For Hours- During The Daytime!” She fumed. “Just When I Think Humans Can’t Get Any More BACKWARDS! They Go And Break Their Most Sacred Rule: Time, and How It Relates To Sleep.” She continued to babble in such a manner as Stevonnie blinked sleepily at her over their cereal. 

Stevonnie looked down at their long fingers and thought vaguely about what Peridot was saying. It was true, they had been taking longer and longer naps during the day, but that wasn’t fusions fault. Being apart had made them lonely and stressed, and these days, the problem was simply…. To be honest, they weren’t sure what the problem was. 

They were together, always. But something still felt like it had been forgotten. They would lay in bed for hours thinking about how they couldn’t remember the interests that had made up Steven and Connie. How had those things been fun? What was there that was fun to do - that could make them feel as carefree as they had when they were younger? 

“Lay off my back,” Stevonnie grumbled, breaking off Peridot’s rant and sulking back to their room. They didn’t have the energy (or capability) to think of a counter-argument this time. 

The next day was better for them. They were cornered by Amethyst this time. “Yo. Peri told me to get you to unfuse,” she said uninterestedly, cramming a doughnut into her mouth. One of her hands was a foot, but Stevonnie didn’t ask. With Amethyst, it was always a long story. “So, like,” Amethyst went on. “Unfuse, or whatever. It’s makin everybody upset.”

“You don’t care,” Stevonnie retorted. Amethyst merely shrugged, so they went further. They were determined to stay together now, they had decided at some point during the night. They needed each other, they were stronger together. “Without fusing, Steven is offensive-less, and Connie is defensive-less. Together, I’m better. Like how you feel when you fuse with Peridot, or Garnet.”

Amethyst whipped her hair back and glared at Stevonnie, crossing her arms. “Don’t talk to me about Garnet, Stevonnie. She wouldn’t want this anyways.” Garnet had gone on a solo mission almost two years ago and had yet to return. 

To end the argument, Stevonnie whipped out their hormone argument again, but Amethyst surprised them by getting frustrated. 

“Look, obviously everybody wants you to unfuse, so why don’t you just do it! That’s just an excuse, and it sounds like a lame one. Anyways, I’m done here, I’ve got work to do. Steven, if you want to talk, I’ll be in my room.” She hoisted herself of the stair rail and headed off to the warp pad. 

“W-wait!” Stevonnie called after her, and when Amethyst ignored them angrily cried, “it’s Stevonnie!” 

This caused a bit of internal plight for Stevonnie. However there is something curiously powerful about self-affirmation, and the more the world seemed to say “break apart,” the more powerfully compelled Steven and Connie felt to stay together. An iron will, made up in part by stubbornness and by fear, masked in logic and sold by certainty, kept the two as one. 

Five months slowly passed. 

Garnet found Stevonnie lying on the beach on what they considered their first birthday. 

“Stevonnie?” She asked.

“Garnet!” Stevonnie leapt to their feet and seized Garnet in a bone-crushing hug, before jumping back to make sure the Gem was not hurt. She seemed to be in perfect condition. “Where were you?”

“I had to walk back from very, very far away,” she stated simply. 

They watched the ocean for a time before Garnet asked again why Stevonnie was there. They explained all of their reasons, everything that they had told the other gems, and more. It just felt natural. 

Garnet just listened and listened, so Stevonnie said more. They talked about the emptiness and the fear of being broken apart. They told her nightmares they had in which they were separated, knowing these were things Garnet had to have experienced. Remembering the desperation in Ruby and Sapphire when they were separated, Stevonnie knew Garnet would understand. As long as they had Garnet’s support, maybe they could fill the void inside of them. 

At the end, Garnet said a single, unexpected word. 

“Unfuse.”

Stevonnie gaped at Garnet, the ultimate perma-fusion, the advocate of fusion stability, commanding them to break apart. 

“Wha-what? Why? They need me! All of those things I just told you!”

“If you unfuse, I’ll tell you where I’ve really been the past two years,” Garnet smiled mischievously. 

“Not likely!” Stevonnie replied, albeit curiosity piqued. 

“Unfuse now and I won’t ground you for not listening to me,” Garnet said, frowning then, unimpressed. 

Stevonnie felt their will instinctually begin to quiver. Disobeying Garnet was so taboo they felt it in all of their facets. But they hadn’t come this far just to give up after one year. They had done this for a reason! Even if… sometimes they couldn’t remember what the reason was. 

“Unfuse, and I’ll teach you the secret to being a Perma-fusion,” Garnet finally said, after thinking about her next bribe.   
This got Stevonnie’s attention. 

“Well… I can always refuse after you tell me,” they pointed out slowly. Garnet didn’t say anything, so they assumed that meant yes. “Ohhh… Okay. Just for a moment. Just to see.” Stevonnie shut their eyes tightly and focused on separating Steven from Connie. They focused with all their might… but nothing happened! They were too skittish about the idea of coming undone. It felt so unnatural at this point, and so revealing, like pulling back skin to show the bone underneath. 

“I can’t,” they finally gasped. “I’m scared, Garn-“ when Garnet’s huge fist slammed into the top of their head. The shock weakened the bond and with a rush of bravery Steven and Connie fell apart for the first time in an entire year. 

Without further ado, they began to cry in anguish. Garnet let them go through this withdrawal period without comment, keeping them apart when they tried to get back together. 

Nobody had told them unfusing would be physically painful after all this time. Steven found himself frantically searching his mind for knowledge of sword fighting, science, mathematics, and found nothing. Connie felt completely powerless without Steven’s strength of will keeping her up, and cried openly as her heart hurt more than she thought possible. 

“Let us fuse,” they begged, but Garnet held them both down into the sand until the sun set and the tide washed in and they began to calm down in the water. 

“It’s different,” Garnet said calmly. “Not bad.” 

“Easy for you to say,” Steven grumbled. Connie sniffed and reached for his hand, but Garnet pushed them apart again. 

“This has to stop. Neither of you are old enough, nor will you ever be old enough, to exist solely as Stevonnie.” 

“What?” Connie snapped. 

“I thought age has no relevance to you!” Steven said at the same time. 

“Time is irrelevant to a gem, but you two are humans.”

She looked out of the water and began to speak. 

“Ruby and Sapphire weren’t fifteen years old when they met. Ruby is younger than Sapphire by a good million years, and it wasn’t until they were both sent to Earth that they met and began fusing. 

“In those days, as is still the case on Home-world, fusing is a tactic reserved for fighting only. When I began to fuse in my own time… I was completely unique. Gems weren’t built for fusing, I thought. But then we saw man kind and the kind of bonds that humans are capable of and through that we learned our own humanity. But we did it as individuals, not as Garnet. 

“You say there is no point to unfusing? You lost yourselves! Look how weak you feel being- being the way you could have been from the start. Alone,” she softened and wove her fingers together. “and together.” 

It still seemed irrelevant until Garnet went on, “You don’t understand why your comrades and family members insist that you unfuse, because you don’t understand that while you’re Stevonnie we,” she gestured at herself and the rest of Beach City, and the Temple, “don’t get access to Steven and Connie. Yeah, you get bits of em but… I didn’t walk all this way to see Stevonnie. I came to see Steven alone. Pearl and Amethyst and Peridot all love Steven, and Connie, Mom-Doctor and your father love you and miss you as well.”

Steven looked down at his gem. That all… made sense to him. As usual, Garnet’s smooth voice opened up his mind like a clam. In Connie’s absence he began to feel stirrings of… things he had forgotten. Feelings of fondness for sweet things, and talking to the gems, and making everybody smile, and playing the ukulele.

Connie, on the other hand, remembered the strict household she came from, and began to feel apprehension and doubt. 

“People got used to you being Garnet. Stevonnie is totally stable,” she tried to sound as logical as she could while quivering unconsciously. “Why don’t people like them? People used to like them. A lot.” She put her head in her hands. 

Garnet put one gem-studded hand upon Steven’s head, and one gem-studded hand upon Connie’s. She suddenly smiled one of her rare smiles. 

“We like you because you’re humans! You’re wonderful, unique, and fleeting, like shooting stars!” She declared suddenly, causing the children to shiver and stop crying. “We… we are rocks, Steven, Connie… we stay the way we are, our integrity is unwavering. But you, you are individuals! You are constantly changing and learning and growing and to stay fused is to limit that. You know it’s true.”

Steven suddenly felt he had to speak what he had been feeling for so many months. “Connie, I… I love you a lot and I think so highly of you, but when I was fused with you I felt sorta empty sometimes….”

“Oh, Steven…” Tears welled again in Connie’s eyes. She took his hand and this time, Garnet let her. “We both felt that… I just thought… I thought being together was the best answer. I guess… I guess…” She looked at her hands and began to sniff. “I wanted… had to be like you. Steven I…” she glanced at him then away again. “I think so highly of you- how strong you are, how assured, how… supported. I thought being fused would make me become like that but I just stayed insecure and unoptimistic and I brought you down, I held you down.” 

“What?” Steven gaped at her, appalled, and held her hand tightly as Connie cried. “No, no, no, no, no, no! I wanted to be like you too- I think you’re way stronger than me! And smart and good at sword fighting and,” but he could tell the compliments meant nothing to a girl who often felt a captive of her own mind. His face hardened in determination. “Uuuuuh I think Garnet’s right!” he said loudly enough to surprise Connie. “I think Garnet’s right,” he said again. “And Pearl, and your mom, and the others…. I think we are better unfused.”

“To be honest Connie,” He said after a long pause, laying his head in Garnet’s hair while she began to braid Connie’s in a business-like fashion that seemed to indicate that she would not intervene or comment on their conversation. “When we were that close, I missed the hell outta you,” he sighed deeply. “and I know you missed me too. It almost seems nonsensical, because as a fusion we should be stronger than the sum of our parts. But I miss you telling me about a day at the Maheshwaran residence, or boggling my mind with your talk about books. I mean… I don’t really get into them like you do, so when we were fused we never really read and you got really sad because of it. I felt it. But I liked you telling me about them because I got to watch you be excited about something.”

“Steven…” Connie sighed. “I understand what you’re saying, I really do… but it’s not really making me feel any better I mean… I’m not going to live at home forever. What about when I want to live with you or we wanted to get married or,” she was glad she was not facing him so he couldn’t see how red she had become, “have kids or whatever in the future? If we can’t stay fused without being a burden on each other, how can we cohabitate even without doing the same? Will I really have time for myself if I’m living with you?”

“And that,” Garnet broke in surprising both of the kids. “Is what I mean. You’re too young! You are barely hatched and yet you’re trying to move on from understanding yourselves to understanding another person! Take it easy, when you’re a little older you’ll know better what you want. You don’t have to rush this. That does not make a stable fusion.” 

“Connie,” Steven stood up and held his hand out for Connie to take. “Come on, let’s go have one more sunrise together.”

She took his hand and he pulled her into a heap of light and they fused before Garnet’s shielded eyes. 

It felt different this time. Like the two halves were shy once more, or more than they’d ever been before. Cautious. Aware of each others’ weaknesses. 

You’re naiive, Connie realized. 

You’re afraid, Steven noticed. 

You’re helpless.

You’re stubborn. 

These things felt foreign and unbelievable at first, like a trick, like a trap had been unearthed. You betrayed me. But soon the flaws grew as familiar as the fondnesses that began to arise. 

You’re optimistic, Connie remembered.

You’re realistic, Steven knew. 

You’re creative.

You’re pragmatic. 

Underneath it all the flaws didn’t matter because the only thing that Stevonnie knew in that moment was that this feeling, this undercurrent of warmth and security and acceptance – this bare exposure – was never going to go away. It had been there from the moment they had first seen each other and would exist long after they stopped speaking forever. It was made of the stuff that kept Garnet together, and kept Rose Quartz in Steven, and kept all of the family eternally interested in their business. 

It was permanent. 

Stevonnie strode to the temple after a long walk by themself on the beach. Summer was drawing to a close and the sand was cool in the shady sunlight peaking over the ocean line. This is it, they thought. Then finally, before climbing up the stairs, Connie and Steven came apart. 

They expected the gems to be asleep or, more likely, at work in their rooms, but it appeared Garnet had gone ahead and warned them of what was to happen, because as soon as Steven pushed open the screen door balloons and party crackers went off. The entire Universe-Maheswaran family was gathered in the living room. Pearl, Garnet, Amethyst, Peridot, Dad Universe, Mom and Dad Maheswaran, and Lion, all beaming and wanting hugs. “I made pie!” Pearl sang over the clamor of warm delight and recognition and hugging. 

“Nice to have you back little dude,” Amethyst said, high fiving Steven. 

“Oh, I have missed your face so much. I promise you will have more independence this time around, Connie,” Mom Maheswaran sobbed, hugging her daughter. 

“Oh mom… I missed you too… and you dad….” 

“Alright let’s break it up before Steven warps us into a giant ten-bodied fusion,” someone joked and everybody laughed and began to move towards Pearl’s magnificent collection of pies that she had whipped up for the occasion. 

Steven stepped back a moment to watch Connie as she talked enthusiastically to her mom. It was hard to accept still that there were parts of her that he would never understand, never know, never have. There were parts of her that belonged to other people, and to herself, and to everything that had nothing to do with him. That would always hurt a little bit. 

But when she smiled like she was smiling now, she looked like a shooting star. It was something you honestly had to appreciate from a distance. 

It made the emptiness stir hopefully.


End file.
